Usually people say that they’re lives have “taken a turn” at some crucial point. I almost used that expression. But it doesn’t feel like my life has turned, the way a car turns onto a new street. My life has expanded and relaxed, still going the same direction. I might be in a new car, or I might have just put the top down on my own car (I hope my car is a convertible.
Let me explain. The last few months in Korea have been hard. I’ve been running around, stressing myself out with different pursuits. I woke up early in the morning to play soccer, getting little sleep, then getting disappointed with myself during soccer for not doing well. I went to the gym and stressed out about what I should be doing, how much I should be doing. I worried about money. I worried about what I was reading, what I should be reading, what I haven’t read, what I have and haven’t written. I worried about my friends, and my family. Most importantly I worried about my future, and what direction I was giving my life. What should I spend my time doing?
Simply put, I was always biting my nails, going too fast, doing too much, scheduling, cancelling. And the most depressing thing was that I still didn’t have a direction.
A few days ago I had the realization that, despite not being able to pay off my debts anytime soon, the cars around me were all worth twice as much as the amount I owed. I calculated innumerable salaries and expenses in my mind, but could never get ahead, could never even fathom getting ahead. So I resigned myself. Sometimes giving up is the best way to get ahead. I’ll never be rich. I can be something else.
Yesterday, a rainy day, I met YoungEun at a coffee shop. We thought about going to a museum, surely a way to make the day “worthwhile” (the most precious adjective for me recently). But instead we decided to go to a PC room. Previously, I would have been nervous, almost hyperventilating, at wasting two or three hours of my free time doing something like watching a movie. And the movie we picked, Once, is hardly a movie packed with things to learn or see. Just one big music video.
But the movie was relaxing and calming, while also inspiring; I had forgotten that it is possible to be inspired while calm, and in fact that is the way it should be. The movie was about a poor Irish musician/vacuum repairman. He has almost nothing in the world; I was surprised when I saw his guitar because I didn’t know they could be played even with an extra hole in them. His passion and direction mixed with his poverty and humanness were my inspiration.
Then we went to a café. Finally some time to read. Get ahead. Put something else on my list (which I won’t even show anyone, a list that no one even cares about). Walden. Thoreau’s philosophy of simplicity, voluntary poverty, giving up of worldly goods and desires. I had also, subconsciously or otherwise, brought along Siddhartha. I hadn’t even been able to slow down enough to read a few pages of it before, but I got soaked into it while taking a break from Walden. The scene where Siddhartha sees himself by the river after running away from Samsara is one of my favorites in literature. So beautiful, so universal. I felt content with myself after reading it. I didn’t feel the “I want, I want” that I got from reading about other people I admired; the “I want” of trying harder, putting more time in, trying to make more money, etc. Instead of looking at the millions of directions I should be going, I looked at the millions of directions heading inward. I considered fasting, giving up even more things. But mainly I just slowed down. For the first time in what felt like forever. Slow enough to hear something, to feel something.
I went home and wrote a bit (free from the obligations of “I should” or “I want”). Simply because I wanted to and my mind was quiet enough to do it. I listened to music and enjoyed it.
I talked to an old friend in Italy at 3am without any feeling of anxiety or obligation.
Then I lay in my bed, without the covers on, and I just felt my body, without thinking, only feeling.
I had a dream and wrote it down. I hadn’t dreamed too much recently, and I hadn’t ever written one down.
I spent the morning cleaning a bit, writing a bit. And I watched a movie. It wasn’t a productive morning by my standards, but I felt satisfied.
I went to work and tried to go slower there as well, but I need more practice still. Although I actually did better than usual. The walk there and back was especially pleasant. Free from calculations or worrying or scheduling; just feeling and smelling and hearing and seeing. Going slowly. Then I came back home, and for whatever reason, downloaded (among a few others) Enter the Dragon. The first bits of dialogue crystallized my thoughts at the moment.
I feel content in a special kind of way. Not the kind of content that a beer gives you. A content where I feel like I can do anything, but don’t need to do anything.
I know that this feeling won’t last forever. But I want to keep getting back here as often as I can.
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