This morning I slept in and when I woke up, a few hours of delaying the day let me slip into a hole of depression that I couldn’t dig myself out of before I went off to work.

It starts when I don’t do something right away in the morning. Which is hard, especially because most days I have nothing “real” scheduled until about 2:30, when I leave for work. I have to discipline myself, because the only person I really meet before work is my girlfriend, and we don’t even really do anything together before work on most days.

So why do I even need to discipline myself? Why can’t I just wake up late, fart around a little bit, and then head off to work?

Because I’m mortally afraid of time. I’m literally scared to death that if I waste one morning, and then a few more mornings, I will have wasted time that I can’t get back. Time that I could have been working out, to make myself healthy and attractive. Time I could have been reading, to broaden my ideas. Time I could have been doing anything to make myself a person who can be considered successful.

The problem is that I’m alone in the morning. There’s no direction for me; the directions are limitless. Should I go running? Should I read a book? (At home or in a park or in a coffee shop) Should I call my parents? Should I clean my apartment? Should I start writing something?

I’ve never spent so much time alone before coming to Korea. Here I have so much time to think about what I should be doing, and mulling over decisions that I’ve made (which always leads to regretting decisions that I’ve made).

I’m not the kind of person who can be alone. I need a group. I need to have someone to get up with me and run at 8 am. I need a TaeKwonDo class where I can improve my flexibility, relieve my stress, and not have to worry about working out. I need a schedule that I don’t change around every other week.

But do I really need these things? That’s my other problem. What am I even building towards? (That’s the biggest problem). Some days I tell myself that I’m going to get in shape. Some days I tell myself I’m going to devote myself to reading. Some days to writing. Other days to learning Korean. And then I end up telling myself at some point that these things aren’t that important, that I shouldn’t stress too much about them, and I let them slip away. Self-discipline, without a definite, important goal, is impossible.

I ask myself almost everyday: what do I want? Of course I’ve came up with no answer. It leads me to ever-mounting stress, especially because soon I have to decide what kind of jobs I’ll apply for in America. I’ll hate myself if I choose a job just because it pays money. And I’ll hate myself if I don’t choose a job due to indecision. The missing piece is the most crucial one: desire. How can I live another day if I don’t have a reason for even waking up?