disillusioned about Korea

I came here thinking that this would be an eye-opening, cultural experience, and experience where I would learn more about the world and more about myself. I felt that I “found myself” in college, like most people say they do. Like most people, I was surrounded by other kids who were just getting out of their parent’s houses for their first time, just being exposed to lots of new, controversial, alternative views for maybe the first time, and sharing, changing, distorting, and adding things to all of these experiences. Then after college, I went home. Hung out with the people I’ve known forever, lived in the house I’ve known forever with the family I’ve known forever. I still had a hunger for learning, college left me with that, but I felt bored and like I wasn’t growing. I needed new, eye-opening experiences, experiences that colleges put on their brochures.

I thought I found a brochure like that when I found out about Korea. A new cultural experience, where you can use that degree you paid all that money for to get a job to pay off that same degree. You’ll try new things, meet new people, see the world. A growing time, right?

This culture isn’t for that. It doesn’t support the same individual growth that American colleges do. American colleges prepare individuals for the individualistic society of America. Korea isn’t the same society. When I first got here, I thought that I’d bow, I’d be courteous as possible, follow every etiquette to the best of my knowledge, do favors, and generally get everyone to like me by being a suck-up, which is the way things are done. I also (foolishly) thought that I could still retain what American confidence in my individuality that I had.

So I bowed, greeted, acted meek around superiors, smiled and got on with it when people joked at my expense, acted obsequious in front of anyone older, etcetera. And my mind didn’t last for long. I’m no stoic, no matter how much I tried to kid myself. I was affected, deeply. I’m not myself anymore, not American, and certainly not Korean, something that I could never hope of becoming. There’s no way that I could have hoped to put on a Korean face and remain confident in my American, individual identity.

It’s sickening. I’m nervous, twittering needlessly. Of course some of it has to do with culture shock and the language barrier; how comfortable can you be in a place where you don’t speak the language and you aren’t familiar with the culture? Still, the part of the culture that’s affected me most is the emphasis placed on my status as a young, inexperienced, foreigner.

I hope I can somehow get back whatever confidence I ever had in myself. My sense of wonder and adventure has been blunted by my daily bows and smiles.