I feel guilty about spending money the way an anorexic must feel about eating food. It has to be done, but you feel horrible when you do it. I watched a TV show about celebrities who squandered their fortunes. People who never knew what it was like to be without money, or people who did, and wanted to make up for it twofold when they got rich. I was raised being told I could have whatever I wanted. I was given things that I didn't even want. Toys I'd never play with, clothes I'd never wear. It made me feel guilty then. I had to wear the clothes, play with the toys, to show that I was appreciative, that I loved the giver as much as they loved me for buying them for me. But then I grew up and learned that my parents couldn't afford what they gave me. And I couldn't afford what they persuaded me to buy: my college education. I grew into adulthood trying to find ways not to spend money, to pay off debt. The mindless, uncontrolled spending I see in my parents and others is like an anorexic watching a fat person binge on a supersize cheeseburger meal.
I don't want to get fat like my parents either. Any dollar that goes out of my wallet and every calorie that goes into my body requires an apology to myself. Like an anorexic, (or I guess bulimic), sometimes I binge. I say "fuck counting pennies, I live once, stop being afraid, it's just money, it doesn't even mean anything, it's not real" and I go out, get drunk, spend on anything. Then the hole in my wallet hurts even more than my hangover the next day. I want to keep my apartment free of useless shit, useless purchases, like an empty stomach. Real freedom isn't being able to buy whatever you want, it's being able to live without needing to buy anything. It's not being able to eat whatever you want, it's being able to live without needing to eat anything. People give me the same look when I turn down an invitation for something that costs money as someone gives a skinny girl when she says "I'm not hungry," when someone offers her food.
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