Moon and Mars Dream

I'm at a party on the moon. It's a club, not too big, low ceilings, not too fancy, but I can't see well because it's very dark. There's gravity; actually everything's the same as it would be at a club on Earth except that the people are wilder and more drunk, more festive. They're on the moon after all.
You can look outside and see the stars and the surface of the moon, illuminated by spotlights but gray, not like the pearl you can see in the sky at night. I glimpse outside at times during the party. When I do, I think, "I can't wait to tell my friends about the party on the moon."
I start talking to a girl who's there. She asks me if I've been to some places on the moon, tourists spots. I don't know the names of any of them, I didn't know there were tourist spots on the moon, although of course there are tourist spots anywhere; I just assume they're some craters that are bigger than the rest. I laugh and tell her no, we're on the moon, what kinds of sights are there to see? She laughs out of pity and I'm disappointed in my answer.
Then I pull her aside and say "Do you know how short life is? I've never kissed anyone on the moon. Not many people can say they have. Have you?" She smiled but she didn't kiss me.
Then I was in a spaceship, looking out the window at Mars. It was red, very red, but, like the moon, there wasn't anything special to see.
Then I'm walking in Apgujeong at night. It's dark and there's the light from the streetlights, and the lights of the cars, and the stores. People are walking around, some are laughing, others just walking. I wonder if I was on the moon or if I just imagined it, and I wonder if it even matters.

Journal 7-1 fight club

Today’s focus: anti-materialism (again).

I started with my girlfriend. We were going to meet her friend and her friend’s son, and I had debated with myself what I should wear. I decided on a t-shirt and jeans, because why do I need to prove anything to anyone. She wore shorts and a button-down shirt, also pretty casual. And in fact she asked me if it was OK to be that casual, if I didn’t mind. I told her of course not and that I had thought (if only briefly) about my own clothes, but reminded myself that I love my girlfriend partly because she doesn’t care too much about things like clothes.

Then we walked past a suit shop (one of the many in Cheongdam). I asked her if she would like it if I wore the suit in the window instead. She said it would be very nice sometimes. I agreed, it was a nice suit and I would look great in it.

Beauty can come from materialism. The cathedrals in Europe were paid for through not-so-holy means, and the idea of building a huge, rich, ornately decorated place to worship a God whose son was a carpenter, owned nothing, and encouraged his followers to give everything away is a bit more than ironic. But still, those cathedrals are beautiful. Beauty comes from interesting places.

That night, at the café with my girlfriend and her sister, the subject came up again. She was talking about the spoiled kid who she’s teaching. Her student has so many tutors; her parents have too much money and pay other people to teach and take care of her. When she acts up, she gets new expensive things. And for me the most interesting part of the story is that the mother, despite being the richest of all the parents who JungRim knows, is the one who looks the most scared.

“Only when we lose everything are we free to do anything” is the line from Fight Club I mentioned after our chat. People who have nothing are afraid of things too, but unlike the rich people, afraid of losing their superficial possessions, the poor have to confront their fears, and in doing so usually makes those fears smaller.

I can only guess, since I’ve never really been rich, that being too rich is a kind of addiction. Just like any other addiction, you have to keep feeding it to make up for some deficiency in yourself. Scared rich people should be a contradiction: money should mean stability. Food on the table, a roof over your head for a long time. Survival assured. But when spending money becomes a reaction to some outside influences you can’t cope with, it becomes an addiction. If you don’t know how to make your daughter feel better, spend some money on her. If you don’t know what other people think of you, buy some expensive clothes or a nice car to impress them. If you don’t know how to teach your daughter, just get the most expensive schools and tutors. But then there’s a problem. Since you’re letting money take care of the things you should be taking care of, you become even more scared of losing that money. It’s taking care of everything for you, your life is based around it; if it goes away, everything will fall.

Journal 6-30 edukators

Watching Die Fetten Jahre sind Vorbei. The scene with Jule explaining about the debt she owes to a CEO for totaling his car was powerful for me.

I’m growing angrier with both the capitalist system and, more importantly, with myself.

First, myself. I chose to go to an expensive private college, without having any idea of what I was going to study or what kind of job I would have. I did get a scholarship, but I mainly went there because I wanted to play soccer and I liked that I could explore different subjects and find out what I wanted. I made the decision to go to Beloit when I was in high school.

At that time, my parents told me I could go to whatever school I wanted to; cost didn’t, and shouldn’t, matter. And I could study whatever I wanted to. Follow my dreams. It was hard for me to decide; because I had no idea what I wanted (I still don’t really). But I made a decision, although it wasn’t a passionate one.

Then, almost right before I left for college, my parents told me I would have to pay for a third of it. They phrased it in a way to make it seem like it was good for us (my sister was going to another expensive private college at the time and was in the exact same situation), that it would build character and that we could get some good experience of how to pay for something worthwhile. I realize now that it was only because they realized that they were in so much debt that they couldn’t pay for our educations themselves, even though they had practically promised to before.

I was a stupid eighteen year old kid with no experience with debt or jobs or even society as a whole. I obsequiously and even a bit happily agreed to take on the responsibility (although I didn’t have a choice), thinking that if my parents were telling me to do it, it must be good for me.

Now I’m stuck with debt that will be difficult to pay off soon, especially with the kind of jobs I can get as an English major (although luckily I got a decent job abroad). My seemingly good decision six years ago has me set up to be a debt slave for the next ten years of my life. Of course, everyone must pay for his decisions.

But what kind of system is it? (the real problem is my parents, but as they are some of the most capitalistic people I know, and because they shouldn’t be brought into this, they’ll be left out)

Every kid is told to go to college, but before they have a sense of what working is like, or what college is like, or what debt is like, they’re told to decide.

Then, while they’re paying off their debts, they’re also being told to compete with their peers to own more other things (luckily I don’t give a shit about this). Even though I can be considered more “wild and free” than my peers by traveling abroad and not choosing a career, the thought of  my debt creeps into my brain too often, and is paralyzing.

The main goal in my life at this point is to get rid of my debt, so I can be free. But what kind of goal is that? To complete that goal, I need to make money: money is the main focus of my life. I never planned on it being that way. And by the time I pay off my debt, I’ll need to start saving for retirement.

I’m sick of this system. Can I just run away from it? Can I just forget about the debts? Are they real?

Journal 6-29 nuna meeting and humor in the bible)

Nuna and I had a Bible meeting today (YoungEun was sick with cramps). I had read a bit of Luke right before, looking for humorous parts, or parts that could be seen as humorous, because during our last Bible class, a member said that there was no humor in the Bible. Of course there’s no sentence announcing that Jesus will tell a joke, and maybe there are hardly any references to laughter either, but I had a hard time believing that Christianity was the only religion who’s God didn’t have a sense of humor. Divine laughter at the follies of men is a common thing in almost any religion; surely it’s present in Christianity too.

As soon as I started looking at the Bible in a humorous light, things just popped out at me (seek and you shall find): Luke 12:6 – “Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies? Yet not one of them is forgotten by God. Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.”

That last part, if seen anywhere else other than in the Bible, would be seen as a joke. And just because it’s in the Bible doesn’t mean it has to be taken so seriously. Of course there are many serious things in the Bible, but if God is really everything, and the Bible really touches on everything in life, then of course there has to be some humor too.

We talked about this for a bit. Then we talked about some women in a church group she went to who were talking about women’s role as defined by Genesis: how women have great pain at childbirth and how they are to look towards their husbands as their masters. I gave her a different interpretation: that it says that childbirth “increases” after Eve ate the fruit, not that it began; this means that the pain was always there, but now that Eve has the knowledge of good and evil from the fruit, she can feel the pain even more strongly. And I looked at other parts of the passage to show that the focus of the passage is on Adam and Eve changing their focus from God to the earth, the focus of the passage is on the relationship between man and woman and God, not between man and woman alone. She liked this interpretation and was also amazed at it. She said that I can get the main point of things very well.

We then talked about the hypocrisy of most people who go to church, and read the Bible without thinking. So many people invest so much time and money into the church, but how much do they even get out of it? They think that they have to do x, y, and z like it’s a grocery list, but really the truth lies in asking questions, not taking prescriptions from another person. Nuna told me about how so many people just told her to believe and not question, and I told her to never believe anyone but yourself; only when you ask enough questions to get enough evidence to prove something can you believe it. The church is ruined by people telling other people what they should do instead of people asking questions to each other and opening up each other’s minds.

My transformation continues to go well. I’m trying to keep myself slowed down, relaxed, and observant of what’s around me. It’s amazing how many things I didn’t notice before. It’s unbelievable how tense I was before, and how I couldn’t even slow down enough to listen to my body and mind. There are so many things to blame: Seoul, my job, my loneliness. But blaming is not the important part; what’s important is that I’ve found some things that will always work and help me to feel more focused and centered. A list, of concrete things, in no specific order:

-Stretching a bit each day

-Not masturbating or looking at porn

-having a cold shower at the end of a regular hot one

-lying on my back without the covers, trying to relax and empty my mind before I go to bed

-not jumping out of bed and starting my day dazed, but rather waking up slowly and letting my mind wake up too

-not too much stimulation (I was doing computer, then mp3 to work, then book, then class, then book during break, etc.) taking breaks to simply think or be aware.

-exercise

I feel like I’m putting myself in a good position to enjoy and appreciate the things that are coming my way, and also to accomplish the things that I want to.

I still need to improve in some ways. I need to make more friends and have better relationships with more people (although I’m doing this more and more, just over the internet). I need to join some groups. I need a hobby. I need an exercise partner.

One last thing: today I ate berries and sesame leaves I picked from the garden in front of my apartment. I also read the part of Walden where he builds his own house. I would love to live in a house that I built myself and eat meals from food I grew myself.

Journal 6-28 new feeling

Usually people say that they’re lives have “taken a turn” at some crucial point. I almost used that expression. But it doesn’t feel like my life has turned, the way a car turns onto a new street. My life has expanded and relaxed, still going the same direction. I might be in a new car, or I might have just put the top down on my own car (I hope my car is a convertible.

Let me explain. The last few months in Korea have been hard. I’ve been running around, stressing myself out with different pursuits. I woke up early in the morning to play soccer, getting little sleep, then getting disappointed with myself during soccer for not doing well. I went to the gym and stressed out about what I should be doing, how much I should be doing. I worried about money. I worried about what I was reading, what I should be reading, what I haven’t read, what I have and haven’t written. I worried about my friends, and my family. Most importantly I worried about my future, and what direction I was giving my life. What should I spend my time doing?

Simply put, I was always biting my nails, going too fast, doing too much, scheduling, cancelling. And the most depressing thing was that I still didn’t have a direction.

A few days ago I had the realization that, despite not being able to pay off my debts anytime soon, the cars around me were all worth twice as much as the amount I owed. I calculated innumerable salaries and expenses in my mind, but could never get ahead, could never even fathom getting ahead. So I resigned myself. Sometimes giving up is the best way to get ahead. I’ll never be rich. I can be something else.

Yesterday, a rainy day, I met YoungEun at a coffee shop. We thought about going to a museum, surely a way to make the day “worthwhile” (the most precious adjective for me recently). But instead we decided to go to a PC room. Previously, I would have been nervous, almost hyperventilating, at wasting two or three hours of my free time doing something like watching a movie. And the movie we picked, Once, is hardly a movie packed with things to learn or see. Just one big music video.

But the movie was relaxing and calming, while also inspiring; I had forgotten that it is possible to be inspired while calm, and in fact that is the way it should be. The movie was about a poor Irish musician/vacuum repairman. He has almost nothing in the world; I was surprised when I saw his guitar because I didn’t know they could be played even with an extra hole in them. His passion and direction mixed with his poverty and humanness were my inspiration.

Then we went to a café. Finally some time to read. Get ahead. Put something else on my list (which I won’t even show anyone, a list that no one even cares about). Walden. Thoreau’s philosophy of simplicity, voluntary poverty, giving up of worldly goods and desires. I had also, subconsciously or otherwise, brought along Siddhartha. I hadn’t even been able to slow down enough to read a few pages of it before, but I got soaked into it while taking a break from Walden. The scene where Siddhartha sees himself by the river after running away from Samsara is one of my favorites in literature. So beautiful, so universal. I felt content with myself after reading it. I didn’t feel the “I want, I want” that I got from reading about other people I admired; the “I want” of trying harder, putting more time in, trying to make more money, etc. Instead of looking at the millions of directions I should be going, I looked at the millions of directions heading inward. I considered fasting, giving up even more things. But mainly I just slowed down. For the first time in what felt like forever. Slow enough to hear something, to feel something.

I went home and wrote a bit (free from the obligations of “I should” or “I want”). Simply because I wanted to and my mind was quiet enough to do it. I listened to music and enjoyed it.

I talked to an old friend in Italy at 3am without any feeling of anxiety or obligation.

Then I lay in my bed, without the covers on, and I just felt my body, without thinking, only feeling.

I had a dream and wrote it down. I hadn’t dreamed too much recently, and I hadn’t ever written one down.

I spent the morning cleaning a bit, writing a bit. And I watched a movie. It wasn’t a productive morning by my standards, but I felt satisfied.

I went to work and tried to go slower there as well, but I need more practice still. Although I actually did better than usual. The walk there and back was especially pleasant. Free from calculations or worrying or scheduling; just feeling and smelling and hearing and seeing. Going slowly. Then I came back home, and for whatever reason, downloaded (among a few others) Enter the Dragon. The first bits of dialogue crystallized my thoughts at the moment.

I feel content in a special kind of way. Not the kind of content that a beer gives you. A content where I feel like I can do anything, but don’t need to do anything.

I know that this feeling won’t last forever. But I want to keep getting back here as often as I can.

Journal 6-27 cars and debt

Walking to work, I see cars that I couldn’t afford with every penny of two year’s salaries. Mercedes, Ferraris, BMWs. My father used to own a BMW. Now he owns a Sonata.

On my way to work, my mind sometimes can’t function as more than a calculator. My student loans are $22,000. If I save $1000 per month, that’s 22 months. Not too bad, but still depressing.

I pass a coffee shop: it’d be nice to read before work. Let’s see, a coffee is $4. How many have I had this week? This would be my 3^rd? If I stop drinking coffee completely, I could save $12 per week. That’s pretty good.

$22,000 couldn’t even buy half of that car. Do the people walking past me own one of these expensive cars? They don’t look too different than me. Maybe they live alone in a basement too. Do they think about how much money they can save by cutting out coffee? What else can I cut out? I don’t even drink anymore really. I haven’t bought any new things in months. I can’t even imagine buying a car. Not that I would ever want one.

Did Thoreau call them silver and gold fetters with a tinge of envy? Was he simply saying that people shouldn’t care about wealth because he didn’t even have the choice to care about wealth? His family made pencils. And in Walden he encouraged people to live in voluntary poverty. Was his poverty even voluntary? Do the rich believe in silver and gold fetters, or just the poor artists and philosophers?

Do I want to live simply because it’s really the most rewarding way to live, or have I tricked myself into thinking that living simply is good because there’s really no other option for me? If I had a BMW, I would sell it, pay off my student loans, and invest the rest. Then what if I got another BMW? Would I keep it? Well, it would probably cost too much for me to maintain it, so I’d probably sell it and invest that money too. What if I got a third one? I could afford to keep it around. It wouldn’t be so bad maybe.